Too few divorcing parents consider how they will continue their relationship with each other after a divorce. This may seem counterintuitive—after all, isn’t the purpose of divorce to end a relationship? While that’s true, the reality for parents is that if they have children, they will likely need to maintain some level of contact.
Co-parenting, or shared parenting, is now the expected norm. It assumes that both parents will play active roles in raising their children, even if they no longer live together. To do this effectively, they must learn to get along at some level, as they will interact when the child moves between households, and they may need to coordinate family activities and holidays based on each other’s schedules. Embracing this concept early in the divorce process can make things easier for everyone involved.
For example, engaging in petty disputes before finalising a divorce settlement is less likely when both parties recognise that ongoing communication is necessary for co-parenting. They are more likely to prioritise reaching a workable agreement that puts the children’s well-being at the forefront when they consider the long-term logistics.
In my work, I have encountered many divorced parents, giving me a deep empathy for both children and parents in these situations. My primary concern is often the impact of divorce on the children, as it should be.
While some parents are able to divorce amicably and continue to co-parent effectively well into adulthood, this isn’t the case for everyone, and it’s the children who often suffer the most. I work diligently to help parents understand the impact of their behaviour on their children throughout the divorce process.
Parents should refrain from using the process to score points and instead focus on developing new ways of communicating. In the worst cases, children become messengers between their parents, which can be devastating, especially as they are often already coping with the breakup of their family unit. As a member of Resolution, a family law organisation, I have witnessed the benefits of adopting a non-combative approach in negotiations.
Here are some tips to help minimise conflicts with an ex when co-parenting:
- Remember, you are both parents, regardless of the status of your marriage.
- Involve your children in discussions about arrangements, if appropriate for their age.
- Consider keeping a shared or online calendar with important dates and custody schedules.
- Acknowledge that challenges may arise, but commit to working through them for the well-being of your children.
- Focus on prioritising the children’s needs over personal grievances towards the other parent.
While your relationship with your ex may not resemble what it was during marriage, it is still important and necessary for the sake of your children.
