When parents separate, one of the primary sources of conflict often revolves around arrangements for their children. I frequently hear from distressed parents who struggle to reach agreements with their former partners regarding weekly visitation schedules, and disputes frequently arise during special occasions such as birthdays, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, summer holidays, and Christmas.
Both parents typically desire time with their children during these special events, and external influences from extended family or concerns about breaking family traditions can further complicate matters. The stress and uncertainty often lead to arguments, but it’s possible to mitigate the worst aspects of this upset and disappointment. Based on my extensive experience as a family lawyer, the following approach has proven effective:
Plan ahead
Leaving arrangements until the last minute can cause significant upset and stress for everyone involved, especially your children. It’s natural that each parent wants to spend special occasions with their children, particularly if it’s the first year of celebrating together as a family. However, when parents consider their children’s perspective and empathise with their feelings, they often realise that children are generally content with celebrating two Christmas days or two birthdays. Ultimately, children simply want to enjoy happy moments with both mom and dad.
Keep the children informed
Once you’ve thought through and agreed on the best plan for the children, it’s important to communicate this plan to them. Research has shown that children are most upset when they are left in the dark about what’s happening during their parents’ divorce or separation, or when they are not informed about the agreed arrangements. Children need to be involved and informed about what is planned so they can worry less. Knowing that the arrangements are agreed upon can also alleviate their concerns about either parent feeling sad or unhappy.
Come to an agreement
If you’re struggling to reach agreements to spend time with your children regularly or during special occasions, there are steps you can take to resolve this. The first and best approach is to communicate with the other parent to see if you can reach an agreement with mutual consent. As your child’s parents, you understand their needs better than anyone else.
However, if communication has broken down and you cannot reach an agreement, a Resolution-accredited lawyer may be able to assist you in negotiating a fair and amicable agreement through correspondence. This can be an effective way to resolve matters quickly and ensure you can spend time with your child.
If your ex-partner is being obstructive, there are three options you can consider:
- Write a Letter: Draft a letter to your former partner outlining your proposals for contact over the Christmas or holiday period. Specify times for collection and return. Give them time to consider your proposals and respond. Just because they don’t reply instantly doesn’t mean contact can’t be arranged. Alternatively, you can ask your solicitor to write a letter on your behalf, although this approach can sometimes be seen as more serious and may have a stronger impact.
- Family Mediation: Consider family mediation if you don’t believe a letter will resolve the issue. Mediation can be effective even after separation. With a trained mediator present, you and your former partner can communicate directly and work towards a mutual agreement. Both parties must attend and be willing to negotiate. Mediation is often preferred because it can be relatively quick and cost-effective compared to resolving issues independently.
- Court Proceedings: Reserve court proceedings as a last resort. They are time-consuming and costly, and there’s no guarantee of getting exactly what you want. Going down this route requires time and careful consideration.
If reaching an agreement becomes impossible and you need professional assistance, any of the members of the DLS team can provide help and advice.
