Discussing divorce with children is a challenging task, and it’s natural to feel concerned about how to approach this sensitive topic. While each family’s circumstances are unique, there are strategies you can employ to plan effectively, facilitate the conversation, and minimise any adverse effects on your children.
In this blog post, we address common questions about discussing divorce with children and explore the impact of divorce on children. We also provide essential tips for navigating divorce while prioritising your children’s well-being.
When should you tell your children about your divorce?
Determining the appropriate time to inform your children about your divorce will vary based on your specific circumstances. Generally, it’s advisable to communicate this news sooner rather than later to provide them with clarity and allow time for adjustment.
Once you and your spouse have made the decision to divorce and have mutually agreed upon this, it’s typically ideal to share this information with your children. Doing so early on allows them ample time to process the news and ask any questions they may have. It’s often beneficial to have this conversation while both parents are still residing in the family home, as it can facilitate a smoother transition compared to informing them immediately before or after one parent moves out.
It can also be helpful to establish a preliminary parenting plan for your children with your spouse before discussing divorce with them. Seeking advice from a family lawyer early in this process can provide valuable guidance. For older children, their preferences regarding child arrangements may carry more weight and should be taken into account.
If you and your spouse are contemplating divorce but haven’t reached a final decision, it’s generally advisable to refrain from informing your children at this stage. However, for older children who may be more perceptive of marital tensions, you might consider discussing the situation with them, taking into consideration their ability to comprehend the circumstances.
Should you tell your children the reason for divorce?
When informing your children about divorce, it’s natural for them to inquire about the reasons behind the decision, and it’s important to provide them with an explanation they can grasp. While honesty is valuable, you don’t need to delve into all the intricate details surrounding why your relationship is ending.
It’s advisable for you and your spouse to discuss the explanation you’ll provide to your children beforehand, ensuring alignment before initiating the conversation.
A suitable approach is to offer a general explanation, such as “We have different life goals and believe we’ll be happier living separately” or “We’ve realised that while we care for each other as friends, we no longer have romantic feelings.”
It’s typically unwise to assign blame or disclose specific actions, such as infidelity, to your children unless there are legitimate concerns regarding their well-being related to your spouse’s behaviour. In most cases, it’s best to avoid statements that could strain their relationships with either parent.
If your children persist with questions you’re not comfortable answering, you might need to explain that certain matters are private between you and their other parent and won’t be discussed.
It’s essential to reassure your children that the divorce is unrelated to them, that they aren’t at fault, and that it doesn’t alter either parent’s love for them.
How do you have the divorce conversation with your children?
When considering how to discuss divorce with children, careful planning for the initial conversation is crucial. The approach to this conversation will vary based on your specific circumstances, but here are some general dos and don’ts to consider:
Dos:
- Choose an appropriate time and place for the conversation where you can have privacy and minimise distractions.
- Be honest and straightforward with your children, using age-appropriate language they can understand.
- Reassure your children that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault.
- Encourage your children to express their feelings and ask questions, offering them emotional support throughout the conversation.
- Present a united front with your spouse, if possible, to show consistency and reassure your children that both parents care about them.
Don’ts:
- Avoid placing blame on or criticising your spouse during the conversation.
- Refrain from sharing unnecessary details or using adult language that could confuse or upset your children.
- Don’t promise things that may not happen or make false reassurances about the future.
- Avoid discussing legal or financial matters beyond what is necessary for your children to understand.
Each family’s situation is unique, so tailor these guidelines to best fit your circumstances when approaching this sensitive conversation with your children about divorce. Keeping these tips in mind can make planning how to tell your children about divorce more straightforward.
At what age does divorce affect a child the most?
The impact of divorce on a child can vary depending on multiple factors, including their age. There is no definitive answer to how a child’s age will affect how much they are impacted by divorce. However, research, such as a study conducted by University College London (UCL), suggests that older children may be more affected.
According to the UCL study, children aged 7–14 were more likely to experience emotional and behavioural issues if their parents divorced compared to children in the same age group whose parents remained together. In contrast, no significant difference in emotional or behavioural issues was observed among children aged 3–7, regardless of whether their parents divorced or stayed together.
Additionally, the manner in which you handle the divorce and the quality of the post-divorce relationship with both parents can significantly influence the emotional impact on your children. Minimising conflict and ensuring that your children maintain positive relationships with both parents are crucial factors. Seeking expert legal advice early on can help facilitate an amicable divorce and establish appropriate arrangements for your children.
How can I get divorced without hurting my child?
It’s completely normal to be concerned about how your divorce will affect your children and to want to minimise any distress they may experience. However, predicting the exact impact on each child can be challenging, and even well-managed divorces can cause short-term upset.
To reduce any immediate distress your child may feel, it’s important to communicate clearly with them about what’s happening. Reiterate that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them equally. Make time to be available for your children, encourage them to ask questions, and offer support with any emotions they may be experiencing.
Addressing potential long-term effects involves encouraging your children to express their feelings openly so that you can provide appropriate support. Consider seeking help from a counsellor or other professional if needed.
One of the most effective ways to minimise the impact of divorce on your children is to prioritise their well-being as parents. Make a joint commitment with the other parent to prioritise your children’s interests and ensure they have a positive and full relationship with both of you.
How do I make the right arrangements for my children following divorce?
Arranging childcare during a divorce can be complex. You’ll need to determine where your children will live, the contact they’ll have with each parent, their regular schedule, how each parent will be involved, and plans for special occasions like birthdays and holidays.
Throughout this process, prioritise your children’s well-being and best interests while also nurturing your relationship with them. The specific child arrangements that make sense for your family will depend on your unique circumstances.
Many parents reach agreements on child arrangements through direct discussions, mediation, or with advice from family lawyers. In situations where agreements aren’t feasible, formal arbitration or court intervention through a Child Arrangements Order may be necessary.
Regardless of the circumstances, consulting with an experienced family lawyer early on is crucial. They can provide guidance on parental rights and responsibilities, help navigate decisions, and outline available options.
For more complex issues like relocation or concerns about well-being, a family lawyer can assist in ensuring that your children’s best interests are prioritised and protected throughout the separation process.
