Deciding to end a marriage is never easy, and explaining this decision to your spouse can be even more challenging than reaching that conclusion. If you find yourself in this situation, being prepared can help make the conversation about divorce less stressful.
If you are preparing to tell your spouse that you want a divorce, consider these suggestions to minimise distress and maintain a civil relationship throughout the process:
- Be clear and considerate. Choose a suitable time and place for the conversation. Be direct and honest about your feelings while also showing empathy and respect for your spouse’s emotions.
- Prepare Yourself Emotionally: Anticipate emotional reactions from your spouse and be ready to respond calmly and compassionately.
- Express Your Reasons Clearly: Be prepared to articulate your reasons for wanting a divorce without assigning blame or becoming defensive.
- Listen and Validate: Allow your spouse to express their feelings and concerns. Validate their emotions and show understanding.
- Focus on Cooperation: Emphasise your desire to work together amicably through the divorce process, especially if there are shared responsibilities like children or finances.
- Seek Support: Consider seeking support from a trusted friend, therapist, or counsellor to help you navigate this difficult conversation.
By approaching this conversation with empathy, clarity, and a commitment to mutual respect, you can lay the groundwork for a more civil and cooperative divorce process.
How to start the conversation about divorce
Choose your words carefully
In most divorces, there is a notable distinction between “the initiator” and “the respondent.” The initiator, or “leaver,” typically holds a stronger psychological position as they have had time to process their decision.
Conversely, the respondent, or “left” person, often feels wounded and shocked by the news. The manner in which the decision to end the relationship is communicated can significantly impact the emotional response. A harsh or sudden announcement can deepen the emotional wound and trigger intense reactions akin to those of a wounded animal.
When preparing to communicate the end of the relationship, consider the following:
- Timing and Setting: Choose a suitable time and private setting to have the conversation. Avoid public or potentially confrontational environments.
- Tone and Approach: Be mindful of your tone and approach. Communicate your decision with empathy and sensitivity, acknowledging the impact on your partner.
- Avoid Triggers: Refrain from using hurtful language or triggers that may escalate emotions during the conversation.
- Provide Space for Reaction: Allow your partner time to process and express their emotions without interruption.
By approaching this conversation with empathy and caution, you can help minimise emotional distress and foster a more constructive dialogue during the divorce process.
Prepare for all sorts of guilt to be laid on you
After informing your spouse about your decision to seek a divorce, you may encounter verbal abuse or accusations that label you as a bad partner, parent, or person, including terms like selfish, cruel, or irresponsible. It’s important to anticipate this possibility and prepare yourself to respond calmly and thoughtfully.
Here are some tips for how to respond:
- Remain Calm: Stay composed and avoid escalating the situation with emotional reactions.
- Acknowledge Feelings: Acknowledge your spouse’s emotions without accepting unfounded accusations.
- Set Boundaries: Firmly establish boundaries against disrespectful behaviour while maintaining a respectful tone.
- Stay Focused: Keep the conversation focused on the decision to divorce and avoid engaging in personal attacks.
- Assert Your Position: Reiterate your decision calmly and assert your need for a constructive and respectful dialogue.
Prepare responses in advance to help you maintain composure and navigate these challenging interactions during this sensitive time.
Prepare for an emotional response
When under stress, emotions can manifest as anger, emotional distress, withdrawal, or depression. It’s crucial to recognise these responses and aim to prevent escalation.
If you’re worried about potential anger when discussing divorce with your spouse, consider the following:
- Choose the Right Time and Setting: Opt for a calm, private environment to have the conversation.
- Have Support: Consider having a trusted friend or family member nearby in case of escalation.
- Stay Calm: Maintain a composed demeanour and avoid escalating the situation.
- Safety First: If you’re concerned about violence, prioritise your safety and seek assistance if needed.
By planning the discussion thoughtfully and prioritising safety, you can navigate this conversation more effectively.
Use “I” messages, not “you” messages
For example: “I feel that I need to start a new life.” “I feel that this marriage is not working for me.” Do not say, “You never did your share. You were a lousy husband/wife,” etc. This can help make the divorce conversation feel less of an attack on your spouse.
Be confident
Speak assertively and maintain eye contact as much as possible. Keep your tone calm and composed. Before starting the conversation and during it, try to release any anger you feel and focus on expressing genuine sorrow rather than anger.
Consider your children
If you have children, assure your partner that they are still a valued parent to your children, and emphasise the importance of their role in their lives. Offer sincere compliments or expressions of appreciation to boost their self-esteem. Reassure them that their relationship with the children will remain intact, and discuss a calm and unified approach to informing the children about the divorce. This collaborative effort is crucial for the well-being of the children.
Prepare the ground
Before discussing divorce with your spouse, consider preparing them gradually by mentioning that divorce is becoming a possibility. Choose a private yet public setting, such as a coffee shop or restaurant, to have the conversation. This environment can encourage your spouse to respond calmly and rationally. Opt for a daytime conversation, ideally in the morning, to allow for a more focused and composed discussion.
Keep calm
During the conversation, take deep breaths to stay calm. If faced with verbal abuse, calmly express, “I understand your feelings, but continuing like this won’t benefit either of us.” Consider ending the conversation or hanging up, suggesting you reconnect when they’ve had time to process their emotions.
Be ready to separate
After the “I want a divorce” conversation, it’s often best to plan for an immediate physical separation. Have a designated place to go, even if you hope to remain at home. If your spouse refuses to leave, you can retreat to this location.
How do I tell my husband or wife I want a divorce without hurting them?
If your spouse doesn’t want a divorce, learning that you want to end the marriage is likely to be painful for them. However, being honest and upfront about your feelings can ultimately cause less pain than avoiding the issue.
As mentioned earlier, preparing the groundwork beforehand can help minimise hurt by allowing your spouse to become accustomed to the idea that the marriage might end before you actually tell them you want a divorce. The less of a surprise it is, the more manageable the news is likely to be for them.
How do I tell my husband or wife I want a divorce when they don’t?
If you are certain that your spouse does not want the marriage to end, initiating the divorce conversation can be particularly challenging. It’s important to anticipate their likely reaction and plan how to communicate your desire for a divorce. As mentioned earlier, if you anticipate anger or hostility, consider having this conversation in a public place with someone you trust present.
One aspect you do not need to worry about is your spouse preventing you from getting a divorce. With the new no-fault divorce rules, there are very few circumstances in which your spouse can oppose the divorce. Therefore, remember that you are not seeking permission for a divorce; you are informing your spouse of your decision.
What do I do after telling my husband or wife that I want a divorce?
Once you have informed your spouse about your decision to pursue a divorce, the next step is to begin the legal process. We highly recommend consulting with a specialised divorce lawyer before initiating this conversation so that you can promptly commence the process. They can also provide comprehensive advice on the implications of your divorce, ensuring you are fully informed about what to expect.
The initial step involves completing a divorce application, which can be done jointly with your spouse if you both agree. Additionally, you will need to address the division of finances and determine arrangements for any children you have. A divorce solicitor will guide you through these critical matters, ensuring that you achieve the best possible outcome for your future.
Contact Us
After making the decision to separate and navigating the challenging conversation with your partner, it’s crucial to consider all the legal implications of your separation or divorce.
At DLS Solicitors, our expert divorce lawyers can provide specialised legal advice to assist you in navigating a smooth and efficient divorce process. We offer comprehensive guidance on the implications of divorce and help you plan accordingly, supporting you through every step of the process.
