Even if you are already separated, informing your partner that you want a divorce may not be easy. While you may have been contemplating divorce for some time, your partner may not be in the same mindset. These life-changing decisions are seldom made hastily. However, a significant event, such as a strained family holiday or Christmas together, could act as the catalyst to finalise the decision to end the relationship.
Informing your partner of your decision is likely to be challenging for both of you, and the repercussions also impact your children, if you have them, as well as other family members and friends. Many people avoid difficult conversations and postpone them, but bottling up such emotions can lead to them surfacing at the most inconvenient times. The fact that you are reading this guide indicates your desire to approach this situation thoughtfully.
Based on our experience, there are certain approaches to this conversation that can help minimise distress for all parties involved and set a constructive tone for any negotiations ahead.
Pave the way
You can consider preparing your partner gradually leading up to the announcement, so it doesn’t come as a complete surprise. You could bring up the idea that there may not be a long-term solution to your marriage issues or discuss how you would handle arrangements for the children if separation were to occur. This approach allows your partner to start processing these issues before you initiate the conversation about divorce.
Attending couples counselling together or individually may also be beneficial. This can assist both of you in coming to terms with the end of the relationship and providing support during this challenging time.
Be sensitive and mind your language
Consider the timing and setting when breaking the news to your partner, and anticipate the support they may need. For instance, it’s unfair to deliver the news late at night when friends or family are unavailable if your partner is likely to be upset and needs someone to talk to. Similarly, avoid sharing the news on a day when they have important commitments, such as a business meeting or a special outing with friends.
Think twice before discussing this in a public place, especially if you’re uncertain about their reaction. In most cases, sharing this news at home is preferable.
Approach the conversation with sensitivity, and choose your words carefully. Avoid using harsh language, and consider the impact of your words. In many divorces, one person is the initiator (“the leaver”) and the other is on the receiving end (“the left”). The initiator often holds a stronger position due to having made the decision and thought about its impact beforehand. Therefore, deliver the news gently to minimise an angry response and foster a more amicable divorce or separation process.
Keep an eye on your future relationship, especially if you share children. Aim to maintain an amicable relationship, at least to some extent, as co-parents.
Prepare yourself for the worst.
Unless your partner has already come to the same conclusion that your relationship is over, the conversation is likely to be challenging. There may be expressions of anger, tears, or blame. You may have insights into your partner’s typical response, or you might fear not knowing how they will react.
Prepare yourself for potential harsh words, such as accusations of being a bad parent, causing harm to the children, threats about custody or financial matters, or other confrontational statements. Approach the situation with calm understanding and think about how to respond without escalating the conflict. People often lash out when feeling hurt or betrayed.
Don’t apportion blame
To elicit a calmer response from your partner, try to steer the conversation away from assigning fault or blame.
Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, such as “I feel that I need to start a new life” or “I feel that this marriage is not working for me.” Avoid using accusatory phrases like “You never…” or “You didn’t…”, as these can escalate the situation and prompt your partner to become defensive or argumentative. Instead, focus on sharing your own perspective and emotions. This approach can lead to a more constructive and less confrontational conversation.
Be ready to separate
After having the “I want a divorce” conversation, it’s often best to consider immediate physical separation. Arrange to have a place to go following the discussion, even if you plan to return home later that day or week. It’s important to be clear about when you will return and under what circumstances.
Once you’ve communicated your desire to separate, allow your partner time to process their thoughts and consider their own position. This time apart can provide space for reflection and discussion about the next steps.
Valuing the parental role
If you have children with your partner, they are likely to have concerns about how the separation will impact family life. Reassure your partner that you value their role as a parent and that you want them to remain involved in your children’s lives. Acknowledge their efforts as a parent and emphasise the importance of working together to ensure that your relationship with the children remains strong.
In conclusion
Having this conversation may not be easy, but preparation can make a difference. Consider the tips mentioned earlier to keep the discussion calm and controlled, putting you in a better position to move forward and take practical steps.
How you approach this conversation can significantly impact the level of agreement you can achieve, especially when it comes to dividing finances and arranging care for your children.
Our divorce lawyers will provide you with information about the legal process, your rights, and your responsibilities to help you feel prepared for this conversation with your partner. Relate also offers useful resources on their website, www.relate.org.uk.
